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I am stupid with love




The ceiling 
The fan
The curtains
The door
The windows
All are still
With the silent Breeze making its way into the room
Like the thoughts in my head
I can hear the ticking of the clock 
The heart knocks against my chest
Sometimes even the a sound of my eye lids flickering 
On the thoughts that are non stop

I cry to myself in the head 
"Nobody loves me."
Before I throw another tantrum 
My head replies
Your family loves you.
And i suspend that answer 
Thinking of 
A friend i have known since 10 years now
A friend who can read my thoughts through the phone screen
Just by knowing me through a year
A boy whom I had met years ago 
I don't even remember the length of his smile
Of the shape of his head or the position or the color of his hair
But I think of that boy
When I say nobody loves me.

Now the irony is 
None of the three people 
Like to express love in words 
Or in loud gestures
And i crave for words 
But if they tell those words 
I don't believe them either
They send me hearts 
In red
But all i can see is a drawing of a tiny heart colored red
Because that's what been taught in school and science
They tell me metaphors
But all i can hear is words that make anxious
If ever tried to be hugged 
I pray for it to be quick
For love seems to suffocate me while I am dying for it

So while I juggle with my thoughts 
I realise it's mom 
Who cares enough that my heart isn't broken
It's dad
Who cares enough to ensure am treated well by another man
It's my brothers
Who care enough to make me smile through my tears
And still all i write in my dairy under today's date is
"They don't love me,."
 

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